If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Randomize
