I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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