How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
