I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
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