Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Randomize
