yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
So apparently I’m into choking now
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