My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
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