She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
