Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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