the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Randomize
