I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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