I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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