I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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