I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I will be naked everywhere
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Randomize
