she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
Randomize
