oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Randomize
