my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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