If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Randomize
