Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
Randomize
