K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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