Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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