Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
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