Good face, no body. And apparently her vagina is related to chewbaca.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
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He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
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So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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