Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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