Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
