Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
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