i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
