I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
