My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
