I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Randomize
