So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Please dont use Danity Kane lyrics to describe your emotions.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
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