yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
