I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
