You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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