tonight lets celebrate not being married
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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