So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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