I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
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