I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
