My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Randomize
