I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
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