There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
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