I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
