i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
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