What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
grandma shit on top of the toilet
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
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