my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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