Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
there was a trapeze. enough said
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
Randomize
