allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Randomize
