and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
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