He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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