Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
I'm both gender and math confused
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
