dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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