Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
Randomize
