matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
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