just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Randomize
