So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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