It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
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