don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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