last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Randomize
