I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
